BY GRAHAM AVER

Everybody’s going retro these days. Hip Hop artists are sampling the Beatles, middle schoolers are wearing vintage Chuck Taylors, and tough guys are driving Mustang Fast Backs. Vintage is the new new.
But nobody in their right mind would ever go vintage with their outdoor gear. Remember how heavy those old kayaks were? Remember how painful backpacks used to be? It’s a miracle we even made it up the hill with those things strapped to our backs.
Gear keeps getting lighter and more user friendly. This is a good thing, but it’s important to remember our gear roots. Here’s a quick look at the evolution of outdoor gear over the past decade.

‘95

-Ballet skis: These were the short skis that were popular during the ‘80s. You could do some really impressive dance moves on the snow with these puppies, but coupled with the ever popular stretch pants, you couldn’t look more like a gay ice skater if you were covered in glitter and dancing to Boy George.

‘05

-Twin-Tip Skis: Nobody would ever admit to ballet skiing these days, but the new shorter, twin tip park skis bear a close resemblance to their ‘80s predecessor.

‘95

-Mountain Bikes Without Shocks: Every one rushed out to buy a mountain bike in the early ‘90s. Unfortunately, the only affordable bikes had stiff forks and seats that eventually led to impotence. Ouch. After a day on the trails, it was common for a biker to piss blood.

‘05

-Full-Suspension Rides: With full suspension, aluminum frames, and seats that don’t crimp your style, mountain biking couldn’t be more plush than it is today. It’s just not as popular as it was in the ‘90s.

‘95

-External Frame Packs: They were all the rage in the ‘70s and ‘80s but I can’t figure out why. External frames had one giant compartment that you felt obligated to fill, so you ended up carrying more food than you could possibly eat and an extra copy of “War and Peace” just so the load would pack right. And they were essentially one size fits all so whether you were hitting the trail for four hours or four weeks, you had to carry the same amount of crap.

‘05

-Ultralight Packs: Now there’s a bag for every kind of excursion, all of which are lightweight and much more stylish than those rigid packs with the aluminum bars sticking out the top.

‘95

-Map and compass.

‘05

-GPS.

‘95

-The First Energy Bar: Powerbar is the proud papa of the energy bar craze, but do you remember what those first bars tasted like? I think the first flavor they ever created was Desert Wind. Not only did the original Powerbar make you thirsty, it somehow managed to extract moisture from your body.

‘05

-The Bar Exam: Take your pick of juicy, tasty energy bars these days. Are they good for you? Who cares? At least they don’t taste like the Sahara.

‘95

-Swiss Army Knife: I like the idea of a multi tool, but the Swiss Army Knives of the 90s were impractical. And the Leatherman that hit the streets in the ‘90s weighed like eight pounds and had an even heavier leather case. You needed an extra pack just to carry the damn thing and some of the tools weren’t exactly necessary. I think I had one model that featured a stapler.

‘05

-The Lightweight Leatherman: The newest Leatherman is lighter thanks to its titanium construction but still features every tool you could ever possibly imagine and some you didn’t even know existed.

‘95

-Short Running Shorts: Who wears short shorts? Runners wear short shorts. These little nylon numbers have been around since the ‘70s and just about every runner sports them during races. They’re lightweight, breathable, and offer a full range of motion-but the coverage is minimal. The material is so scarce, these shorts would make a hooker blush. And it’s like a peep show when these runners stretch. Full frontal!

‘05

-Short Running Shorts: Sadly, most serious runners still wear these short-short-shorts.

‘95

-Old-School Whitewater Kayaks: The John Holmes of whitewater boats, these kayaks were known to reach 13 feet in length. They moved fast through the water but the maneuverability was slow and irresponsive. Steering these beasts was like driving a Cadillac on ice. Ironically, they had the tiniest cockpits. It was like squeezing yourself into a pickle jar.

‘05

-Squirt Boats: Shorter, more maneuverable, and with more leg room than a first class flight on the Concord, new play boats have come a long way. Some are so tiny that they can fit in your back pocket.

‘95

-Camp Fires: Okay, so a campfire isn’t exactly a piece of gear, but it used to be an essential element of the backcountry experience. Boy Scouts worked their fingers to the bone trying to create them from scratch and weekend warriors wouldn’t even think of camping without a fire. Getting drunk and falling in the campfire was a right of passage for many budding outdoorsmen. Unfortunately, no matter how many service announcements Smoky the Bear produced, many of those campfires resulted in forest fires. Damn Boy Scouts! The fire epidemic has gotten so bad that many public land managers banned open flames all together.

‘05

-Camp Stoves: Most hikers carry lightweight propane stoves, but huddling around a tiny blue flame telling ghost stories doesn’t have the same effect. And have you tried roasting marshmallows on those stoves?

‘95

-Uncovered Cranium: They didn’t even offer bike helmets when most of us were kids. Our mothers just sent us out into the cruel world with bare skulls and exposed soft spots. Many adopted the same no helmet policy when they transitioned to mountain bikes in the ‘90s, and emergency rooms around the region reaped the benefits.

‘05

-Helmet Happy: Within the last few years, most athletes have gone helmet crazy. No mountain biker would ever pedal onto the trail without a skullcap. Paddlers in the know wear helmets and even skiers are jumping on board with head protection. We can probably thank the untimely death of Sonny Bono for that.