The entire country is a-twitter with news that a hot-dog stand owner outside of Raleigh has discovered the image of Jesus in a telephone pole overtaken by kudzu. A number of news outlets have carried the story, turning the Kudzu Jesus into an overnight sensation.
Oddly enough, this isn’t the first Kudzu Jesus to be found in Raleigh, North Carolina. In 2009, believers spotted a similar structure just outside of downtown. The double-sighting is a bit worrisome. I’ll have to check my scripture, but I think that means this latest Kudzu Jesus is actually the Kudzu Jesus Second Coming, which would kick off the End of Days. Is it simply a coincidence that the Kudzu Jesus Second Coming is spotted within months of the proposed apocalypse (set for some time in October, I believe)?
As all good Southerners know, kudzu will somehow play a role in the end of the world. Ever since kudzu was introduced in the ‘30s, it has been slowly trying to take over the Land of Dixie. It’s like a really slow version of eminent domain. After humans are long gone, planet Earth will be overrun by cockroaches and kudzu.
But fret not, apocalypse-fearing Southerners. The Kudzu Jesus has been debunked! Yes, the plant/pole looks like Jesus, but it’s not real kudzu. It’s trumpet vine, a cheap kudzu look-a-like, according to some local folks who can tell the different between kudzu and trumpet vine. Given that this is the first reported sighting of a Trumpet Vine Jesus, I don’t think we have much to worry about. Although, I do foresee a few goth-rock bands adopting the name Kudzu Jesus in the near future.