To borrow a line from colonel Hannibal, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

I’ve had my eye on the Telefest at Beech Mountain (February 8th) for almost a year now. Imagine three dozen of North Carolina’s finest telemark skiers (by my count, that’s roughly all of N.C.’s telemark skiers) converging on the highest ski resort east of the Mississippi for a full day of genuflecting and camaraderie. Now picture two weeks of great snow leading up to this event. Now consider the fact that the organizers of said event have pioneered a few sweet tree lines on Beech’s side country—the sort of lines that only become skiable after a couple of weeks of good storms. Wait, it gets better. Now, picture a brand new bar opening this season at the top of Beech. Hold on, I’m not done yet. Now picture a brand new brewery opening at the base of Beech Mountain just a few weeks before the Telefest.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? Bar at the top, brewery at the bottom, powder and good-time skiers in the middle. What we have here is the happy convergence of a series of seemingly unrelated events and natural phenomenon. What we have here is serendipity. The weekend is shaping up better than the John Cusack movie.

I couldn’t have planned a better weekend getaway in my dreams. Except for one minor oversight: February 8th, the day of Telefest, is also my kids’ fifth birthday. A fact that I didn’t realize until earlier today when I was planning to wax poet about the beauty of converging snow storms and brewery openings.

Alas, I will not be at the Telefest. While tele skiers get rad on fresh powder, I will be at an indoor soccer facility, probably dressed like a clown, wondering why my kids turn into cannibals after eating chocolate frosting. Sigh.

My only hope is that you, dear bro readers, will go to the Telefest in my place and shred knee deep powder with some of the finest skiers in the South. Take my place. Tip your craft beer for me, and speak of me fondly as I march deeper into the darkness of parenthood.